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Things haven't been the best lately

Sometimes when we face our own demons or our own challenges in our lives, we forget it could be worse. The last several weeks hasn't been the best part of 2020 yet. It's been a struggle to stay strong and not drop into depression. I do know my life could be worse. I could be facing what a lot of people the world over are facing. But sometimes we have to be selfish to endure our own trials.

The coronavirus is, of course, the biggest topic on everyone's minds right now. The stores are empty of some of the very things we need to weather the storm. People are being selfish and hateful. People are being ignorant and ignoring how serious this actually is. They think it can only affect the older generation, but those older generation are parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters. I fear for my parents through this time. It took a lot of convincing for my dad to take it seriously. I think it finally set in just how careful he needs to be.

See, he falls into the "at risk" category because he has Parkinson's and a compromised immune system. He is just under the age range by about four years. But this virus doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care if he's 61. It also doesn't care that my mom is 70 this year and vulnerable to it. My roommate, my best friend of over 23 years, is also at risk because of her asthma and anemia and a compromised immune system. I fear this virus, not for me, but for them.

Yet I have to be grateful on another spectrum of this situation because the company I work for was able to move every employee to remote. I could be one of those who ended up losing their job because of this virus. If it weren't for the company I work for being able to do that and offering a service which can be provided through remote channels, I'd have to worry about my mortgage, how could I afford to feed myself or my dogs, or take care of my older dog.

Then to make matters worse, I've been forced to leave my home while trying to avoid public exposure with others because my senior dog became sick. He's almost 16 years old and yes, that's a long time for a dog to live, but it's not easy to see him going through everything and feel helpless. He was diagnosed with idiopathic vestibular disease, typically something senior dogs get. It's basically an imbalance of fluid in the brain causing what humans experience called vertigo.

I love my dog. He's is family, my child, even if I didn't actually give birth to him. But it tears me apart watching him as he is now. Deteriorating, disoriented, stumbling, and afraid. It's been almost two weeks and there's been a minor amount of improvement and I have to ask myself, what happens if he doesn't recover from this? Am I going to have to say goodbye? But yet, I won't be able to go in with him as the vets are not allowing anyone into their offices. I can't imagine not having the chance to hold him, to tell him I love him, to be with him as he passes over the rainbow bridge. Yet, how do I make that decision? How do I say okay we have to do this?

Now more than ever is when I wish I had a way to fast forward through some time. This year needs to be over now.

I hope you all stay safe, be careful, and protect your loved ones the best way you know how.

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