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Heartbroken & Struggling

There aren't many things I believe with certainty, but the one thing I do know is the love of a dog is the most wonderful, amazing thing you can ever experience. They love without bias, without care of what you look like or act like, without prejudice and malice. The only thing they want in return is your love, hugs, and kisses, and the occasional treat.

Throughout my life my family has experienced the love of many animals from birds to dogs to bunnies and more. We've had many family pets, but none were truly mine until I gave my heart away to a fuzzy ball of fur the moment I saw him. Just fur and a nose and eyes were all you could see, but he stole into my soul with just one look.

I named him Yoshi after my favorite Super Mario character, but he had many names throughout the years. Pretty boy. Doodle Bug. Pain in the ass, yes this one too because there were things he did over the years which frustrated me to no end. But I would have that back in a heart beat because it would mean he was still here.

Yoshi wasn't the healthiest pup. He spent many days worrying me to death and me rushing him to the vet's. When he turned nine, he gave me the biggest scare of all. The word cancer was thrown around, but thankfully I did not accept that and found a specialist, because it wasn't cancer. I would have lost him then if I'd blindly accepted one person telling me why he had fallen ill then. Always do your best to give your furbaby a chance. Never accept until you've exhausted every option. Because you'll never know how much time you're losing out with them until it's too late.

I've faced many painful moments in my life and have learned how to deal with that pain as they happen. But there is nothing which can compare to the pain of losing my beautiful baby. He loved me unconditionally. He was my shadow, my constant companion, and the love of my life. And many people don't understand the depths of just how much he was my child, my baby. I would give anything to have him here right now, beside me, giving me one of his goofy smiles or even just sleeping in one of his many beds throughout the house.

I had to make the most difficult decision of my life March 26th, 2020. It haunts me even now because I have to wonder if I made the right one. Yet in my heart of hearts, I know I did. At the end he was scared and he needed me to make that choice for him. But I am struggling so hard with it. I was there with him until the end, holding him, kissing him, and telling him everything would be all right. My heart has not stopped hurting from the moment I knew his time with me had reached its end. Every single moment since has been a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other, to not see him everywhere I look, and to know when I wake up the next morning it's not going to be a nightmare, it's not going to suddenly not be true, and he won't be there, dancing for his food in the kitchen and following me every step I make.

And many won't even be able to relate to how heartbroken I am because they've never experienced a love like that. They see dogs as nothing more than pets or a commodity or burden. If they only knew just how much those "pets" loved them, could only see with their hearts instead, maybe they could understand the true depth of my devastation. They are more than pets. They're family.

I can only hope the sentiment of the rainbow bridge is true and he's waiting for me on the other side, playing with my parents' baby who passed last year and my best friend's who passed three years ago. I pray I am able to see him again because no matter how many furbabies I have in my life, I will never be able to replace him nor will I ever forget him.

Sleep well, my beautiful baby boy. I will always, always love you and will never ever forget you.

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